The Insignificance Of It All

Have you ever experienced that little shadow inside you sometimes raising up its head and asking you, prodding you about how worthless it all is? Well, it happens to me all the time and mostly when I have been idle for such a long time. Imagine a world where only a group of people exists. Death and birth are concepts that are not even imaginable. These people, they were just there from the start of time and they have continued to exist since then. The group does not multiply as reproduction is also a devoid entity. They have all the knowledge in the world as their knowledge just continue to grow integrally. It would have been so productive, but still such an amazingly boring world. 

So probably that was why all beings alive were made this way. You are born, struggle for a major part of your life, grappling with reality, getting a hold of all the norms that exist in this world, the do's and don'ts that makes up society. The struggle continues until either life gives you a respectable and monetarily comfortable place in society or for some till the very end of their lives. The experience, the knowledge and all the memories, what were all those for? Will they be repeatedly playing in your head once you succumb to that vast darkness. Or will the data be erased just like formatting a hard disk. I do not know and I don't believe anyone who knows exists having all his faculties intact to narrate such an incident. 

If a large beam balance was constructed to weigh immaterial things in life. Then the insignificance of our existence weighed against its significance could render the apparatus useless. 

And to add to all of this, we are just one person among a billion people in a planet, a planet which is one in a billion of its kind. And we live our lives here, our everyday toils becoming something of a mass importance whereas in a broader sense it does not even impact 0.0000000000000000000000001 percent of the universe. Can a life be anymore insignificant? 

When you think about it, for me, it all culminates in a deep dark place that suffocates me, wanting to surface for a breath of fresh air. Then again it recedes into the deep dark corners of your mind again giving strength and courage to face the world, to live your life to fruition. It is better not to think about it and this is what most of us does too. What else is a mere man capable of?

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I would first of all like to serve this as my blog as well as my diary. I want to read this at some point in my life and relive all the thoughts and uncertainties that went through my mind once. If you think about it the lightness of being, such a thought manipulates man into either go hide in a recess fearing everything and everyone around him, fearing the spontaneity of life or it could propel someone to just break their shell and experience all that you have once put up on your bucket list to do at a point in your life when you are all settled and comfy. And when you have life changing decisions to make this could come as a boon or a curse. And for me, I do not know how to perceive it yet.
The decision in context is whether to take the long bumpy road of a doctorate degree or to take the easy way out and go the corporate way. Research as satisfying as it is most of the time, it is highly frustrating at others. And even when I worded this, I believe the word "most" gives away my inner desire. But still it is five or some years of highly strenuous mental activity combined with physical exhaustion for a very frugal monetary reward. But then "why" would be the question passing through your minds.
For me even considering the thought is a  mixture of inexpressible feelings. I do not know whether its passion but research gives me a drive to go on and on even, when I am down and out. I do not know whether it is just a fascination for the elite, a feeling that will envelope you in a crystal Kubla Khan.
But either way if it lasts through out for a period of five years of a cycle of fatigue and rejuvenation, I believe either one of these could carry me through.
Then "why not" would be the next question. The one thing that are slightly hindering me is a doubt in my own abilities. Do I have what it takes to succeed at the highest level? I do not want to stare back at myself at some point of time and regret choosing this path when I could have had a successful life with an MS degree alone.
The decision has to be made soon. Procrastination is no longer a saviour. 

The Last Day

The final day of college, the final exam. It was like any other day. Everyone looked the same and everything felt the same. The college was completely immersed in the hustle and bustle of the strenuous few minutes before the morning exam. And there she stood leaning onto the boot of a car with her lovely gaze going through the prose of an open book that rested on the boot. Like any other day, I saw her. It never felt like it would be the last time I would see her in the same black and white striped uniform. The last time I would ask her whether she had studied. The girl who was everything for me for the past four years raised her head then and smiled at me. The smile that I would miss for a long time. She walked to me in her characteristic lovely gait. The normal answer left her lips that she doesn’t think she will remember anything. I went away, ending the usual morning session that had become a routine.

I saw her right before the exam, walked upto her and said an all the best in the best possible pseudo attitude that I could muster. She called me “Jaada” just like she would any day. The exam hall felt the same. The stupid exam also felt the same. But what was different was I didn't feel like leaving the hall. The college was a structure that had awarded me a lot of painful memories also some very few sweet ones. I hated it like no other. Every day was a burden for me except for Her and a few of my best friends who had carried me through all my moodiness. I had been an island within an island for the past four years with only a few people having access to it.

I looked around and finally left the hall when the bell rang. The bell that I would hear in the same manner for the last time. She came out, had the same characteristic bottle of water in her hand which she offered to me on the slightest of gesture from me. Again, for the last time. She had to see a doc so me, her and a friend of mine left without posing for a class photo. What is there in a photo right?

I knew I will never come to this place again. The place that I frequented every single day of the past few years whether I liked it or not. But still I felt no sadness. I was thinking whether I will miss it sometime. My friend was joking about some of the most horrendous teachers that we hav had. We all laughed. And before we knew it we had traversed the 12 or so kilometers from the college to her house. A place that brought chills down my spine. But it was ok to drop her there today just like I had done during some special occasions like the college day.

She brought me the badminton racket she had borrowed earlier. She then said bye turned, smiled and waved. The wave was like none other, the smile was like none other. Then it hit me. It hit me like a pile of stones. My chest felt heavy and a lump was making its ascent up my throat. I felt like crying but tough guys aren’t supposed to cry, not in front of someone else, even if he is a friend. So I suppressed the emotion that welled up in me.

Everything was rushing past me like a blur, the first time I saw her, the first time we went out, the proposal which came after we started going out. It was just a formality. This made me smile. The numerous fights. The numerous times I hurt her. Everything had come to an end and I wished for the first time that it would all come back just for her sake. But that is how Life unravels and man is impotent but to go with the flow.